Sunday 10 February 2013

There's something about life.

- I will always be the one to argue that the best things, the most beautiful things, in life are free. 

Some people will say the best things are those worth fighting for

Some people will say the best things are those worth sacrificing for   

Some say the best things in life are those worth waiting for
Some say the best and worst things in life are free 

I agree with none of the following. 

"The best things in life are worth fighting for"  

Well, wait. I'm naturally not a fighter. I hate competition.  

"The best things are those worth sacrificing for"  

Why would I want to sacrifice something for something else? That sounds stupid. And painful. And annoying.  

"The best things in life are those worth waiting for"  

Why should I sit around and wait? What comes good from sitting around and waiting for something that may or may never be? That also sounds irritating.  

That's like saying I could wait in a two hour line to have the new double bubble extreme ice cream flavor .... OR... I could just wait in the five minuet line and have the coconut ice cream  

At the end of the day, I am still going to eat some ice cream. Who gives a shit how long I have to wait?  

What if I wait for two hours to try the new ice cream and then I realize I don't actually like it. Well, that's a terrible waste of my two hours.  

All I wanted was ice cream anyways.  

Therefore, the best things are simply in front of our faces.  

I can name a few things. 

- Sleeping                               - Laughing                                - Falling in love
- Waking up                           - Crying                                    - Feeling embarrassed 
- Looking at the sun                - Smiling                                     - Oogling over a newborn  
- Walking                               - Talking                                      - Seeing snow 
- Making a snowman              - Walking in the sand                 - Making someone laugh 
- Walking in the rain               - Feeling heartbroken                 - Feeling loved
- Learning                              - Making mistakes                      - Eating food 
- Tasting food                        - Smelling                                      - Smelling flowers 
- Picking worms                     - Reading                                      - Music 
- Feeling excited                     - Feeling scared                           - Running  

I just listed a life full of things that are great.  

Things that are relatively free.  

I once took a Biology of Genetics class in my first year of College. During the first few weeks of lecture, my Professor gave everyone a piece of motivation, "If you ever need some inspiration, just remember this: feel lucky that you are alive. Feel lucky that you are a child who is born without a mental or physical disability."  

Now... I'm going to start off by saying Biology was never my best subject... I cannot recall the number of genetic mutations that occur annually per child. I DO KNOW that the number is very very high.  

So, the next time you are sitting around in your two bedroom apartment and are complaining about your third year University professor or the guy who didn't text you back... STOP...  

And just feel thankful to be alive. Feel thankful you are able to live alone in your own apartment. Feel blessed you are able to attend a post-secondary institution to better your education.  

There a million people who can't. 


So, now that I have established how perfect I am. . . Let me just say I'M NOT.
There is something about life that makes me happy, sad, mad, irritated, depressed, excited, motivated, annoyed, inspired, heartbroken, loved, and a million other emotions I could easily ramble on about. Everyone says this simple sentence, "Don't worry. Just have fun." Honestly, that's crap. Worrying is an emotion and it is just as controlled as being happy. When I run down the stairs and "almost fall," my heart skips two beats and I involuntarily worry for my life. The feeling comes and goes, just as much as happiness, hunger, tiredness, anger and every other emotion you feel. It's nearly impossible to not worry, I wonder why.I spent the past 6 months backpacking through Latin America. I kept connected with my friends and family through Facebook and Skype and whenever I encounterd a bad day, moment of anger, sadness or home sickness everyone bluntly told me to "Suck it up, You're on holidays. DON'T WORRY". So what am I supposed to do? Turn off my emotions? Surely I thought about my ex boyfriend while I was abroad. No matter where I am, my feelings never turn off. I am always the exact same person, regardless of the environment. Does that mean  because I have a great life, the ability to travel, have a job, attend post-secondary, and essentially do whatever the hell I want to, that I can't worry. Don't get me wrong, my life is freaking awesome. But, I am still subject to sadness. I still feel heartbroken when someone special doesn't love me back. 

I am a woman. I have an awesome life. But, I am still subject to a broken heart.  I'm allowed to be dramatic. I'm allowed to speak my opinion. I'm allowed to be myself. But sometimes I feel like being myself isn't enough. For the last 6 months, I've been feeling like my happiness revolves around that of other people. I feel easily confused over those I loved, fell in love with or thought I loved. I feel endlessly challenged in my way of thinking and I am continuously forced to try something new, adapt to a different perspective and i continue to try and understand why things happen the way they do. I live my life through quotes. I know what I want. I know where I want to be when I "grow up". But somewhere in between, life happens. I fell in love with someone who had no interest to love me back. Damn it. That sucks. I put so much of my effort and energy into what I thought could be or might be.                       

I chose someone who didn't know they were special. 

I chose someone who didn't see their worth. 
All I wanted to do was tell that person how unique they were, how much they meant to me and how I could see myself with this person for a long time. 
We just clicked. 
And I wasn't about to let go of the potential of "What could be" 
So, I tried. 
I failed hopelessly. 
I lost my friendship. 
I lost that person who I wanted to talk to everything about. 
 I lost the person who I felt actually understood me. 
But, I tried. 
I tried and I failed. 
I fought for it. 
I feel like a fool now. 
But, I put my heart on the line. 
I let him inside my mind, my heart and he could understand me and I trusted him.
But, now we have nothing. 
So, was it worth it? 

According to ALANIS MORISSETTE .....           

                                                                 "You Learn"

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

So, I am going to take comfort that this is all just a learning experience.

I am going to take more comfort talking to my friends.
For a while there I was feeling alone. I felt like a fool for lowering myself to try to get someone's attention. But then I realized that everyone goes through this. Everyone does stupid shit they wish they could take back. Everyone chases after someone who doesn't actually want to be chased after all.
Everyone feels betrayed at some point. Everyone feels a heartbreak at some point.
And at the end, we all have to learn to move on with it.