When I grow up, I want my new self to remember the self I am today. I want to remember the goals I had; the dreams that kept me alive. I never want to forget about the passion I have for things like multiculturalism and learning about cultures; or the things that bring a smile to my face like driving with the music loud and the sun shining, BBQ's in the summertime, singing like crazy, when the kids were small, my expression when trying different foods, random talks in the university hallway.... Or the things that make me sad. I want to remember everything.
I want to take time to cherish everyone around me, behind me and who may be ahead of me. Each person who has touched my life has given me something. Some have made me weak and sensitive, some have pushed and challenged me to make me stronger, some have touched a piece of my heart and I don't think I will ever be the same. Some have taught me how to laugh, cry, smile, be carefree, be smart and be careful. Sometimes I think about my life so far and I feel bored, unaccomplished and wanting more... until I tell someone my stories.
I love the expression on Shawna's face when I tell her one of my stories. She listens so strongly and it's as if she can feel how I feel. And she always responds to me saying, "I can't believe you did that!" And I say, "Well, that's why I don't like to tell people about it." She looks at me and smiles and says, "No. I can't believe you did that! You went after what you believed in, what you wanted and even though you didn't succeed, at least you tried!"
I want to remember my first kiss. It was with Chris, on a beach; time was short but it felt like forever.
I want to remember the feeling I felt the first time I saw him. It's as if I knew. I knew he was the one I wanted. And he was the one I got. From that first look. Nothing else mattered. It was 6 years ago now, and I swear, it felt like yesterday.
It was late outside, maybe 8 o'clock. I was sitting on a bench and my mom was getting her face sketched by an artist on the street. He was walking past me and wore a white T-shirt; our eyes locked for what felt like forever. And there was no going back from that. I think I was wearing a blue American Eagle sweater and my tomboy shorts with skater shoes. I don't know how it all unfolded from there but hundreds of memories fell together after that one moment. My first date at that restaurant in the GAP, with sweet potatoes and soft music. We made Dover beach into our beach. My first dance, "Everything I do, I do it for you - Brian Adams," In the bottom of our villa, near the pool.
My memory should never fail me; I will never forget my first.
Each experience has it's own level of sweetness and bitterness; each are different and unique in their own ways which will remain unforgettable in time. Every relationship is of relevance and will remain within me. Nearly every person I have felt love for is gone. They are alive but there is no more time for us. But I can handle that; we have had our time and that is enough for me.
I will never forget the first person to impact my life and as of today, I will not forget the last.
Thursday, 28 February 2013
You can not change the people around you. But you can change the people that you choose to be around.
You can't always change the people around you, it has been hard enough to change yourself right? All that you really have control over when you are dealing with others is if you really want to deal with them, and work things out, or if you do not.
There are many relationships that can be fixed with just a little work, but if both parties aren't willing to change and compromise, then there is more than likely, no god reason to attempt these changes, and it will probably just be best for both parties to move on.
Some people are just toxic to your life, and it doesn't mean that they are bad people. It just means that your lives are going in two different directions, and that the only way you both can live your best is to split apart so that you both may have room to grow.
Sunday, 24 February 2013
The truth is, I still miss you. I didn't realize it until today.
I can't believe I still have feelings for my first "love". It was a long time ago, but it feels like yesterday.
When I come home, to the place we were together, I feel it all over again; I am taken back to a time we were together... and I start to miss us all over again.
And as I realize I miss you, I also realize we can never be together again. You have a girlfriend. I have a different life. And we have a big history that we can't ignore. I can't go backwards and let you back into my life. I can't trust you. You can't trust me. . . But, it doesn't stop me from missing you. I've never told anyone this before, but whenever I am with someone new, I compare them to you.
That sounds terrible. But I can't change it. Usually they don't hold me the same way. They aren't the same height. They don't kiss my lips like the way you did.
No one can do it like you did.
You texted me last week. You said you miss me. You said you wish things were different. You have a girlfriend and you think you might love her.... But, somehow, someway, you never forget me. You never forget us.
I can't tell you why.
You told me that in every relationship you have, you try to forget me, us. But you can't. And you don't know why. You said there is something about me that keeps you coming back.
Some people say, "If you love someone, let them go. If you were meant to be together, they will come back to you."
We keep finding each other and coming back. Does that mean we are meant to be together? I don't have those answers. And I don't know what I would do with myself if i did. . .
There's someone new. Lets call him, Sam.
He's kind, sweet, smart, and many things. I'm just starting to know him and I already think I fell.
It's anything but easy and disappointment seems to catch up with me more than ever.
He's not the normal guy I'm used to .. he's different.
He is from a foreign country... which, isn't SO bad, considering how much I like diversity and travel.. but, when you try to date a "foreigner" there are a lot of issues.
I think there are more issues than him being from a different country.
Lets get this out first:
1) I dated his brother (best friend) for about 1 month (not so serious)
-Lets call him... Ry.
2) I dated his brother (best friend) - not so serious. But, its a big deal.
It's a bit of a complicated situation.
This guy, Sam, was always there for me when I was with Ry. I always asked him questions about their culture, situations and just anything really.. we click.
Ry and I didn't really have anything in common; sometimes these things just happen.
He didn't have the same goals as I did. He didn't take school seriously. He just wasn't the person for me. While I took my time figuring that out, Sam was always there.
Its been about 9 months since Ry and I first started dating..
Its been about 4 months that we have been completely over. I traveled through the summer and we tried to stay together but it didn't work.
Once I left the country, our relationship basically ended.
I remember thinking that if I could change anything, Sam would be the person I would choose. I would erase my time with Ry and just get to know Sam.. I can't erase the past, I can only learn from it..
I felt this way around October of this year, but I decided not to say anything and to just ignore the feelings because I didn't think Sam felt the same way. And, I didn't want to look like an idiot and ruin our new friendship.
He was always the person I went to when I needed some advice..
When I was feeling sad, he could recognize it, before anyone else.
When I said, "I'm O.K." he saw through it and knew I wasn't O.K.
I didn't want to lose that.
So, I stayed quiet.
We went out for dinner with his friends one night..
During the dinner, everything was really good. It was nice to know I could click with his friends and it was cool. One of his friends made a joke about us being together in the future and I smiled and Sam looked a little embarrassed. I didn't really think about it.
There was a way he looked at me and the way he introduced me as a Special Friend that made me think a little bit harder. .
When I got home later that night, I sent him a text saying "Do you have feelings for me more than just a friend?"
He replied: "What do you think?"
I said what I thought and he didn't say anything..
I wanted him to answer me but he took his time..This was on a Friday.
On Saturday, he came over for a short time to help me with my assignment. And, while he was helping me, I asked him the same question as what was on the text. He looked a little uncomfortable to be confronted and said, "Let me finish this and then I'll answer you."
He finished helping me with the mathematical part of my assignment and then we had our talk..
He said this:
"First of all. If I ever get into a relationship, I have to be sure it is going to last. I don't like getting into short-term relationships.
Second.. Your the ex of Ty. I feel like the two of you are still connected and it wouldn't be right of me to inter fear in that. I can see that he still cares. And you do too. So, I can't to that to my friend."
"So, that's it."
I felt like it was a bit of a rejection. I never said how I felt. So, I tried to turn the conversation as though I wasn't really interested, but I for sure was.
I just nodded and tried to not look bothered and mostly said, "I see.... "
I forget which one of us asked, but someone said, "But.... Hypothetically... If things were different, would you be in a relationship with me?"
He said, "Absolutely."
I said, "Yes. For sure. You are Sam."
And we looked around a bit, a bit disappointed and at a loss for words..
Before he left, he said, "Actually, I will never let you go."
I had to finish my assignment and study and he wanted to let me do that, so, he left. And that was the start.
It was really sad for me, to think that we feel the same way but we can't be together.
We both had Black Berry Messenger and we used to talk on it every couple of days. We eventually forgot about the talk and just kept on with it.
I drifted farther from Ry and into my own world. I started to date a guy from this country and I really liked him for a while. I put on my BBM status: "You make me smile :) "
One day, Sam said, "Who makes you smile?"
I said, "A guy I'm seeing.."
He said, "Well, I don't know if I should be happy or not.. Maybe I should meet him? I don't know if I would smile or punch him..."
I saw him another time in the hallway at school... I was walking out from the library and going to my car.. He was walking from the bus towards the library for his Japanese class.. He saw me first and waved. He was wearing all black and I had a pink scarf I picked up in Paris.. He stopped briefly to smile and say hello, and of course I did the same.
About a minuet passed and we went our separate ways. Later on that day he said he was having a bad day until he saw me..then everything got better and he couldn't stop smiling. .. which, made me smile.
I was still dating this other guy, but it was nothing serious..
Because I knew dating Sam was out of the question, I just ignored it and focused my energy on other people.. Ex boyfriend, the new guy, school, parties, friends, etc. .
On my 20th birthday, he came to the dinner. I invited him, he didn't respond so I didn't expect him. But, I did invite his brother and his brother promised he would be there.. And, they both came. And I was surprisingly happy to see him. I had dinner with about 20 friends and we went to Boston Pizza. I sat across the table from Sam and his brother. During dinner, Sam offered for me to share his food with him. I didn't think anything of it.
During dinner, my friend beside me texted me and said "Are you and Sam a couple? or a potential couple?"
I was really surprised she asked. I replied and said, " No. Why did you ask that?"
She said, "Its the way he is sharing his food with you. And the way he looks at you."
The only thing I could say was "I wish."
I didn't realize anyone else could see "something" between us..
Later that evening, Sam and his brother came back to my house. I was romming with two other guys who are good friends with Sam, his brother and Ry.
When Sam was there, I showed him the text message. I just wanted to show him what my friend said.. He responded with "That's sad."
I knew why it was sad. But, I asked anyways.
Sam said, "Its sad because we could be together."
While he was at our place, I was working on a Spanish assignment. I said I was nervous about it because it was my first Spanish presentation where I actually had to speak to my class, in Spanish. He was excited and asked if he could come and watch the presentation. I said he could.
The next day, I asked him if he would come to my friend's birthday with my on the following weekend. He said he would.
Just a few days after my birthday, I asked him to visit me on Skype. At first I was downstairs with my roommates and we all talked together but then I went upstairs and we talked alone. We started talking around 11 and ended around... 5 am.
During the conversation, we somehow managed to talk about absolutely everything. All the feelings came out and everything rose to the surface. We talked about how we feel and I said how I truly felt: That there was no one else like him.
He said... "Trust me... if the skies were clear, we would be flying together"
This means... If there were no problems, we would be together.
He told me that he was in a really difficult situation between the person he likes and his best friend. And I know it's not fair. I didn't mean to fall in love with him, but I did. What could I do about it?
He told me he had a plan and that we shouldn't jump to conclusions.. that if we take our time, and let life take its course, that we will get what we want. That we will be together.
I don't know the plan and I don't know if I believe him.
I want to.
I worked the next day and he asked the times. I said from 9-4. He asked if I would mind if he stopped by. I said I would love it. I said, "Why do you need to go to the mall? Do you need something?" He said, "I don't need anything. Would you believe me if I said I just wanted to see you?" I smiled, and said, "I don't think I would believe you." He said, "Then I won't say anything."
He came to see me at work around 3:40 until I got off.
I wish I had more time to spend with him but I had a busy day ahead of me.
We talked a bit and I took him up to my place to visit my roommates and that was it.
I saw him again on Friday for my Spanish presentation..
He came on time. I introduced him to my teacher and said, " Mi amigo Sam." He said, " Mi Amiga!" and quiet enough for me to hear, he said "buena amiga!" (good friend). And that made me smile just a little bit more.
On Saturday I picked him up for my friend's birthday. I wanted to look nice and wore a black and red dress. When we got there, we were the second people there. I took off my jacket and he could see. My friend asked me to stand up and said, "You look hot!"
A little while passed and he said he liked my dress. It was cute because while he said it, he was fidgeting with his fork and I made a point to say that. He tried again, leaned over and said, "You look great!"
The night was good. Everyone got along well and around the end of the dinner, everyone wanted to go to the strip club. I tried to convince him to come. My friends tried and he said, "I don't have to go to the strippers. I have her, that's all I need."
He had a way of saying the right things at the right times.. and I totally melted every time.
After the dinner we didn't go to the strippers. Instead, we drove around to look at Christmas lights, houses, the river, the outside of the strippers and talked along the way.
We talked about our lives, what we want, the kind of people we want to be and everything else.
We left the restaurant around 11 pm and we went back to a 24 hour diner to have a snack around 5 am.
We said our goodbyes at 6 with a handshake.
We were cruising .. and then it stopped by Monday.
I had my first meeting with my little sister with Big Brothers Big Sisters and after the meeting, he was the first person I wanted to talk to. I called him. No answer. I texted him. No answer.
I thought he might be sleeping.
I didn't hear from him on Tuesday.
I didn't hear from him on Wednesday. I texted him again.
This time, I was mad.
I didn't hear anything.
So, I left it alone.
I thought he was only ignoring me and that I did something wrong.
I asked my roommate about him and they said they haven't heard from him either.
I asked his brother and his brother said he was busy..
I'm sure that most people carry their cell phones with them 99.9% of the time. I didn't think it was hard to reply and say, "Sorry. I'm busy. Ill get back to you when I have some free time"
I didn't even get that.
I checked him out on FB and one of his friends wrote on his wall saying they haven't seen him for a while, he missed his oral exam, and his friend is really worried..
It was then I realized that something could have happened and there could be something really wrong. I set my pride aside and just wanted to be a friend.
I went to his apartment, unannounced. Someone let me into the apartment building and I knocked on his door. I just wanted to make sure he was alright.
He was fine.
He took some time to get ready and came outside. He asked if we could go out and get coffee.
But, it hasn't been the same since then..
And, I don't know what happened.
We talk on FB...
I look forward to the messages he writes but sometimes he makes me wait a little too long for my patience to handle.
I don't believe that if you care about someone, that you will make them wait, not answer their messages or just leave them without a heads up.
Its just not fair.
If I care about someone, I make them a priority, not an option.
There is something about what he says and what he does that doesn't add up..
Anyone can say a few nice things at the good times.. but what about the man who does the right things at the right times.. I need that.
It just hasn't been the same since...
Friday, 22 February 2013
You are given two choices when you grow up.
1. You can be an ignorant white canadian and live in your little bubble, believe everything you hear about the news, think Africa is a country, hate Muslim people beacuse of 911, not know the definition of colonization, and never leave the country because everywhere else is poor and dangerous
2. You can be open minded, do research, learn that Africa is the largest continent and is filled with several countries, never believe the news because they only display the negatives, travel, go outside the box, consider a holiday outside of Mexico, research different religions, learn the two sides to every story and just be aware to what is different
Candian people are a mix between the two options.
I've met so many small town, small minded rednecks that think South America is the USA. I mean, come on. . . I think part of the problem can be blamed on the government and educational system. When I was in high school, we were restricted to what was offered to study. There was all levels of mechanics but never one social science for geography, anthropology, first nation studies or any sort of mind broadening course.
We all graduated knowing how to change a tire, perform a chemical titration, write an essay, interpert shakespear... but we had no idea who we were, where we came from and the world that lies outside. We knew nothing about Aborignal/First Nation people. We were ignorant. We didn't know any better. And most of us didn't care either way.
I'm the only person in my grad class who would dare step into the boarders of Africa. Why would anyone go there? It's dangerous there! Black people are dangerous! Black people are scary looking! You can't see them at night! You will get shot! They have no roads! They live in mud houses!
.... I could really go on with the things I've heard...
No one ever gave Africa a chance.
And you know what?
I LOVE Africa.
I can't speak for the entire African continent. I have only touched into South Africa. And I fell in LOVE with it!
I don't know how people can not see the beauty of the people, the language, the landscape, the ocean, the everything!
Stepping out of my comfort zone into South Africa made me question every stereotype I ever had. It made me open my eyes to realize the differnces in the world: different people, clothing, food, culture, religion, history and so much more.
Some people think that they can judge what they don't understand. If you don't try to understand it, you will never be entitled to judge it.
After visiting South Africa, I couldn't shake the travel bug. I went to Europe: Italy, France, Greece, Spain, Portugal and South Korea
They were all amazing experiences. I think anyone who has the chance to travel should take it.
Now, my major is Anthropology/ International Studies with a diploma in Social Work aimed for development
I live to explore and learn about languges, cultures, places, religions, food and so many more exciting things! It makes me happy, it makes my day!
But, it's not always easy to learn about new cultures. Sometimes I feel conflicted and confused. I spent some time learning about Islam. I am an Athesist. So, I try to be open minded about religions but it becomes quite difficult at times.
I notice I am easily offended.
Canadian people are encouraged to have self independance. So, when I learn about Islam. Wait.. Not about Islam .. But about Saudi Arabian Islam, I feel like by accepting the religion, I am losing a piece of myself. My favourite past time in the summer is to drive. I love driving. I drive when I am happy, sad, depressed, bored, and everything else. It is something I love to do.
In Saudi Arabia, women are not allowed to drive. Men should drive women.
To accept the culture of Saudi Arabia would mean for me to accept the driving law. And I cannot accept that. It goes against my beliefs and my way of life.
In my household, my mother works, my grandmother works, my aunties work, my sisters work, I work. Women work.
In Saudi, women usually stay home with children.
In my culture, women dress nice. We dress to make ourselves feel pretty. We do our hair in braids, curls, straight etc. We wear dresses, shirts, jeans, shorts and our choice of clothing is an experession of who we are and how we feel.
In Saudi, women are required to wear hijabs to cover their hair. They were a black abaya to cover their body.
There is no right or wrong way to live.
Saudi women express themselves with their make-up, brand of abaya or hijab, shoes, bags and more ... We all the same, we just follow different rules and ways of life.
However, the abaya and hijab are not my culture and to wear them, to cover myself would be to compromise my beliefs. Just as if a Saudi women were to not wear a hijab or abaya, it is not their culture and it may take away from who they are.
I do not have anything aganist Muslim people, men or women. I have some amazing friends who are Muslim and they are just like me. We have the same beliefs, same morals, same means of enjoyment, we laugh at the same things and we are just the same. There is nothing I hold against Muslim people. I will accept you for who you are, not for which race you belong to.
That being said.... As I like Muslim people, there are many things I do not like about Islam or even the culture. I can like a person, no matter where they are from. But I feel something insdie me become irritated when I learn about polygamy, men must accompany women to the grocery store, shopping mall, and all basic places. In Saudi, women seem to be denied their freedom of speech. And that is just the way it is.
I can learn about it
I can try to understand it
but I cannot accept it.
For that reason, I question if my passion for travel, culture and food is the correct passion for me.
I was conflicted for a short time. I began getting easily irritated with my Muslim friends because I realized how much their culture of Saudi controls them and how much I disagree with much of the culture.
People from the USA will say they hate Muslim people beacause of 9/1/1. I will never say I hate Muslim people. We are all people. We are all the same, just with different beliefs. Just like I walk away from the arrogant New Yorker, I will walk away from a Saudi if I disagree with the culture. Just like I am easily annoyed with the ignorance of my high school graduation class, I am just as annoyed with the ignorance of some Saudi people I've met.
In that sense, aren't they the same? The small minded class mates I graduated with and the small minded Muslim Saudi's? They are the same. I dislike them equally based on their religious views, their personality, their belifs, their culture but never beacuse of their race.
To be racist is to judge someone based on the color of their skin and to make a judgement without giving them a chance. I will never do that to someone. I may look if I see a hijab. I may stare if I see a black man. I may feel curious if I see an Asian. But I will never discriminate based only on race. I will begin to judge someone based on the things they say, the beilfs they hold, the character I see, the words they say. . .
Sometimes I get a little out of control and I am confused about what I think. I am easily conflicted with trying to understand someone else's culture that sometimes I begin to change myself. I try so hard to understand why, when, who, what. . . Canadian society teaches us that you can always try harder. You can always understand if you just keep trying. But that is wrong. Sometimes we just can't understand what is not natural to us. For me, I may never completely understand Muslims, Islam and Saudi Arabia. I may never agree with it. I may never accept it. I can have Saudi friends but that doesn't mean I have to sacrafice my beliefs to accomodate someone else's.
What I have recently learned is that everyone has a culture. Everyone has a language. Everyone belongs somewhere. Everyone has an opinion and most of us are free to make our own choices after that. As a Canadian multi-cultural culture, we can be understanding and open minded to different cultures but that doesn't mean we have to accpet everything about every culture. There will always be something I will not accept. Weather that something is a conflict between my belifs and a Muslim or between my belifs and my neighbour.
It's never an easy battle. Sometiems I may feel confused and the easiest answer I have found is just to seperate myself from what is confusing me. Once I seperate myself, I can see clearly. I started to dislike my Muslim friends beacuse of our differences. And that's not fair. Everyone will always have differences. When you integrate different societies and cultures, the differences become stronger and more difficult to work through.
I've seperated myself from everything that was causing me conflict and I feel better. I can see clearly. I seperated my personal attachements and feelings from the root of my confusion. And I can begin to understand more clearly.
Tuesday, 19 February 2013
I am so sick and so tired of the American weight societial acceptance. I am so tired of hearing everyone being unhappy with their weight, their body shape, their body mass and complaining! Jesus H Christ. Everyone complains. Everyone spends thousands of dollars into weight loss surgey, pills, diets, perscriptions, TV commericals, and what ever else. And at the end of the day, they are still unhappy with their weight. Everyone is striving to have that "perfect look" but that "perfect look" doesn't exist. That perfection we see is women covered in make up, fix its, slimmers, photoshop, covergirl and louis vittoun. The women in Western society are held to such a high standard.
The idea that once you reach that ideal weight, you will be happy. Your life will be complete. You will be perfect.
Life isn't based on your looks, body weight or BMI. Marriages and children aren't deservable only to those who are perfectly fit. Successful careers do not happen to those who are deemed attractive by society.
Personal accomplishments depend on the individual. It's up to you to make your life worthwhile. It's up to you to accept your body for the way it is and be happy with yourself.
For example: My Body is...
- 5 foot 9
- large boned
- 90 kgs
- thick legs
- pear shaped
- medium hair
- Eastern European Ethnicity
And I'm not perfect. I am not skinny! I am cury and thick! I am not deemed sexy to society. I do not compete with the models you see in magazines. I am anything but perfect.
And I'm ok with it. I accept my body for the way it is.
What is a life when you are constantly trying to change your body and your life? Always looking for something better. "If I am a size 5, then ..... will happen."
"If I am a size 5 then.... I will be happy, I will have a boyfriend, I will be lucky, I will be rich, I will be fun, I will be outgoing... "
At the end of the day, you are who you are! Nothing is going to change that. Weight doesn't matter.
I've had boyfriends.
I've gone to parties.
I have tons of friends.
I am outgoing.
I am fun.
I eat ice cream.
I like McDonalds.
I do what I want to. And I enjoy every minuet of it.
I love myself for who I am, all 90kgs of me.
I'm tired of seeing weight loss shows and advertisments to encourage people to "Live their life and LOSE FAT"
Living your life can be done at any size!
Falling in love is open for everyone!
Everyone is different!
Everyone is beautiful in their own way.
Some people have high metabolisms, some have slow ones (like me!).
Some people are naturally slim and small boned
Some people are naturally thick and large boned
Everyone is different.
People are like fruits (don't call me crazy)
Some are hairy like a kiwi
Some are orange like an orange
Some are curvy like a pear
Some are straight like a bannana
Some are small like a strawberry
Some are huge like a watermelon
But they are all fruits and they are all delicioius!
I wish I could put some presure on the women of our society to tell them to love themselves. That's all that counts.
Love your body
Love your shape
Love your weight
And everything else will fall into place
Sunday, 17 February 2013
"Stuff your eyes with wonder. Live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories." - Ray Bradbury.
"Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes in the middle of nowhere you find yourself." - Author Unknown
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.”
It reminds me how wonderful life really is <3
“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth.”
Thursday, 14 February 2013
All this time, I have been thinking that everyone is judging ME. But, what if it is merely the opposite? What If I am expecting someone to judge me and in return I am only judging myself.
So, by expecting to be judged, I am putting up walls. I am putting up walls before I even give someone a chance. As if I am expecting the worst possible situation, based on past experiences. I'm not even letting people get to know me without having my walls down. I keep finding a way to argue or disagree or push some kind of limit. As if I have to show my worst side, the argumentative and stubborn side before I can show anything else. Those who can accept this side are only more prepared to accept the wonderful, happy, charming and sweet side. So, basically, I've been judging myself, before letting anyone else judge me.
In all reality, that isn't fair to anyone else. I already have walls that are so strongly engraved in my attitude that I just end up pushing people away by the simplest thing. Maybe at the end of it I am expecting people to leave anyways, so pushing them in that direction is the best way to see if they are true or not.
Maybe that is what I do.
I don't know what I do.
I've just realized that I am judging others before knowing them. However, I am not judging them by their intelligence, nationality, skin color, work experience, educational experience, religion or what ever else. I am judging them based on the fact that I think they will judge me!
Is that so that I am so used to feeling judged?
Or do I hold myself to such high standards that I am feeling unworthy for myself?
That's an interesting one.
Surely only I can answer that. But I never realized it until now. I really like the personality of "Person A". However, I did not want to add them to my Facebook because that someone knows my Ex Boyfriend. I thought by becoming friends with this someone, I would be known as "___ ex girlfriend" and not as who I am. So, therefore, I've been judging myself. As if I think I don't deserve to be known as anything more than "___ ex girlfriend."
So, does that mean all while I have been accusing these Saudi people for judging me... I have actually been the one judging myself and everyone else. In the end, the fear was that they will judge me.
Notes like these help me to feel better.
But in the mess of it all, there is always something we could have done differently.
I think I hold myself to such high standards that I don't allow myself to think, to breathe, to relax and take a step back to observe.
I'm still learning, I am still young. The creation of stupid mistakes are encoded in my DNA; they will happen no matter what!
So, as I am still sitting here analyzing over what I could have done better, I continue to judge myself and the mistakes I've made. Without accepting the mistakes of the past, how can we move on to a better future?
It's always easier to judge someone than it is to point the finger on ourselves. I can look at this picture and I think, "Yeah. This is my ex. And the other ex. And the one before that."
I keep judging without taking time to understand WHY I am judging.
OK. So, he changed. WHY did he change?
How did he feel?
He drives me absolutely MAD! But, he was once exactly what I wanted. So, shouldn't I cut him a break and give him the benefit of the doubt?
I've been so fixed on what he did wrong that I have started to hate him in my mind. I hate how he made me feel, the things he said, and the things he didn't say. I hate that.
I've been hating that since it happened and even more since we broke up.
I can judge him forever and point a finger about all the ways he hurt me and how he changed. But, what about me? Haven't I changed?
I remember when I was in high school, I was really GOOD! I promised myself that I would never smoke a joint or a cigarette because its disgusting!
What do you know, four years later and I can't tell you the number of times I've smoked weed. I like it. I'm not an addict. But I like smoking. So, that means I have changed.
Does that mean I am a hypocrite? I call my ex a hypocrite all of the time because he changed. But, so did I.
I continue to remind myself that it is all a learning experience and to just breathe.
Sometime down the road, it will all make sense. So, for now, just smile through the tears and hold on tight. One day, it will all make perfect sense.
Did I mention I think I have ADHD?
I have so many thoughts that roam around my mind that it's difficult to contain them!
I run from culture to my ex to my new found love so damn fast I don't think anyone can understand what I am thinking, except for me!
"Tell someone how much they mean to you"
"Live Life. Regret Nothing."
What happens when you tell someone "how much they mean to you" and then you lose them? Maybe they are afarid, maybe they don't feel the same way, maybe it's not the right time for them. What if you try your best to "Live life" and "Regret nothing" but end up losing something/ someone in the process?
Basically.... I had feelings for a good friend. I knew the feelings. I had them since the day I met this guy. He was charming, intelligent, funny, handsome, talkative, and different.
I always knew how I felt, even if I was dating his best friend. Oops. . .
Anyways, I always had the feelings for him. I knew it was there, the spark. There wasn't a topic that we couldn't talk about. As if our thoughts were in sync, we had the same thoughts, ideas, dreams, goals... We usually had the same opinions too. If there was an argument, we usually took the same side without even trying. It just happened. I found myself agreeing with most things he said. There was just something very special about him that attracted me more than anything I've experienced before. It wasn't a physical attraction, I've hardly touched him. There has never been any sort of physical contact past a handshake or hug.
And I still fell hopelessly.
I could have kept that information to myself.
But, I think I like drama TV too much for that. So, I just HAD to speak my mind. . .
Yes. Because SO MUCH good can come from telling your ex boyfriend's best friend that you love him.
Shortening the story down, I managed to say what I feel. We became closer friends and that was cool. I didn't expect any more, even if I wanted it.
We talked over Blackberry Messenger almost everyday, sometimes Facebook, he helped me with my homework, social problems, friends, guys . . .He started to be the person I would go to, as a good friend. One night we went out for dinner, he introduced me to some of his friends and I felt like he was treating me special, more special than usual. Maybe it was in my head. Maybe it wasn't. Anyways, I took the initiative. I felt something. So, after dinner I texted him via BBM and prepared him for my question: "Can I ask you a personal question?"
Of course he said, "Yes."
So, I asked him if he had any feelings for me as more than a friend.
He said, "What do you think?"
I said, "I don't know. I am asking you. It's your question."
He didn't answer me.
I think that was a Friday. . .
On Saturday I was working on a math assignment and I HATE math. . . It was the easiest thing to do but I just couldn't get it. I asked my roommate for help but he couldn't help me. He gave me the phone number to "him" and said, "Just call him and he will help you. He helps me with my homework all of the time."
"So, that is what I did. I think I called him on Sunday or Monday night."
He came over to help me on Tuesday I think.
I needed a bit of help on my assignment BUT I could have figured it out myself. I really just wanted an excuse to see him.
I saw him.
We were alone in the house and he helped me with my assignment. All I could think of was my question, "Do you like me more than a friend?"
So.... After a few minuets of it, it just spilled out and I asked the question again. He said he would finish my assignment and then we could talk about it.
He said, " #1: If I get into a relationship, it has to be for long term. I don't want to date someone for a short time. I want to commit to long term. . . .#2: You are the ex girlfriend of my best friend. I just can't do that to my best friend."
I didn't say anything.
What could I say?
I just nodded and pretended like I didn't care and it didn't matter to me; I wasn't interested anyways, (Even though I knew I really really was!!)
He hesitated for a few seconds and then went to ask a question, he said, "This is really embarrassing but IF things were different, would you go out with me?"
My heart skipped 5 beats because what I wanted to hear was, "Will you go out with me." I wanted to hear that so bad. And, I did technically hear that, just not in the context I was hoping for.
I said, "Yes. Of course I would. Your ___. Your special to me. Your the person I go to when I want to talk, that's important."
He nodded and said he appreciated that.
And that was it.
And I was sad for the rest of the night.
But no one knew that.
I had a song in dedication to my feelings.
"Bad for Me" - Megan and Liz
Meaning: I knew it was a bad idea to have feelings for my ex boyfriend's best friend. Who does that? C'mon! Even though I knew I was playing with fire, I liked it. I couldn't stop. There was something there that gave me a high like no other.
After that night of meeting his friends and spending time with him, I realized that nothing could be undone. This wasn't the normal me for just hanging out with guys and then going onto the next one. This was it. This felt right. This is what I wanted.
I had a wish for my Birthday: Him
I had a wish for Christmas: Him
I didn't get my wishes.
We stayed friends though.
I can say that I don't wish for people. Ever. I'm not that way. If someone wants to be with me, its up to them. Sometimes I get bored and I like the chase. Other times I'm the most difficult person around and I put up every boundary for someone. If they work for it, I'm theirs. If not, see you around. It's not a big deal. I don't really care. I don't take anyone too seriously and I don't usually care at all. I don't cry. I don't go backwards. I just keep going and never care too much. But, there was something different this time.
I began to care.
Maybe it was only one sided.
Maybe it was a game.
Maybe it was in my mind only.
Maybe I am crazy.
But this time was different for me.
I cared. I liked the person. I liked his personality. I could vision myself with this person. I don't do that.
So, this time was different for me.
In my entire life, though every single relationship, I had this attitude that was too proud to act a certain way or to tell someone how I felt. I had this ego that wouldn't let me give in to what I wanted. I used to argue with my boyfriends so much. I was always the one who appeared to care to little. They were always chasing after me. I didn't chase anyone and I didn't apologize. I could never make a relationship work. There was always a fight and I never would back down. I don't know what that was about. I think I got it from my mother. To be seriously stubborn . Unbelievably stubborn. For no real reason.
But something changed.
I don't really know what changed.
I started to act only on my feelings without being a pain in the ass about it. I wasn't annoying and stubborn. I acted purely how I felt. Not the best thing, let me tell you. But, I expressed my feelings 10000%. There is nothing left.
I said EVERYTHING I have.
And I feel good with it.
I've never been that person to express themselves. I usually hold things inside and come out with it at the most inappropriate times.
For example: When I was in high school, I had the biggest crush on the cutest boy in school! We were good friends and I was really chill and never let on to how I feel. Three years after high school we met up at a party, got drunk and I ended up telling him how cute I thought he was. He said, "Really?"
I said, "Well, come on! I always thought you were handsome! And really awesome! - Hahah! I even had the biggest crush on you in high school!!"
And he just kind of looked at me and said, "Why didn't you ever tell me? Things could have been different."
He could have been my boyfriend.
But I never took a chance to say how I felt. I was just the cool chick and good friend because I never said what I always wanted to.
I know what I deserve.
I know what I want.
But what happens when what you feel is different than what you know you deserve?
Do you listen to your heart which is yelling, "I like this feeling!! Don't make it go away!!"
Or, do you listen to your brain which is saying, "This is a good feeling. But it's not good for you. It's not helping you. Don't settle for someone who wouldn't give you the world."
So, I said what I felt. Exactly what I felt. For the first time.
I wasn't afraid to be rejected (even though, technically I was).
I said how I felt.
Now we aren't friends.
We will probably go on with your lives and end up forgetting each other somewhere though it all.
So, was it worth it? To say how you feel? To express yourself to the fullest? To lay your heart on the line and see what happens?
I didn't gain anything.
I fell in love with someone who has other plans.
But I think I can smile for myself. I can be happy that I finally took the risk to allow myself to fall for someone again.
My heart has been closed for SO long!
Even though I end up without a friend and without anything more, I was able to open up to someone who I think is really special.
I don't have a friend.
I don't have a boyfriend.
I don't have an acquaintance.
I just have my memory.
I don't know if it was just me, but my memory will last a lifetime.
I know that I will never be able to forget this person.
I never got a kiss. I never got anything more than a hug. And I feel like I've gotten everything.
Sometimes things happen that are unexpected. People move on, get sick, disappear, and life changes within a moment. And once that moment is over, you can't take anything back. You are stuck with the last words you said and there is nothing you can change.
So, my question is, "Even if you receive nothing but risk everything, is it worth it?"
I think it's worth it for someone to know they are special, important and will never be forgotten. I think my experiences have made me brave.
I've started to live my life as if I will die tomorrow. That is NOT a good way to live.. Because if you go around saying, "I love you," you will probably just end up looking desperate and like a loser. Just saying.
However, I am not desperate.
I don't want to date anyone.
As of last month, I am officially (Facebook Officially) in a relationship with myself.
I don't need or want anyone else.
But that doesn't mean I don't have feelings for anyone.
Relationships aren't hard. Love isn't hard. Nothing is hard. It is people along the way that make things difficult.
If I could have my way, I would change the past year. I would go back to the moment I first met him and I would ask for his number. And that is what I would do. And that is all I would do.
But I can't change the past.
I can't change anything I did or said.
I can't change the situation.
I can't fix anything.
And I don't even know if "he" cares.
I DO know that if someone had a crush on me, I would probably have NO idea unless they told me. And there would be about a 90% chance that I wouldn't reject them. So, I will say how I feel and live my life as if I will die tomorrow. I can live with the consequences later.
Maybe I'll never get what it is that I want, but I will never die knowing I love someone who has no idea.