The truth is, I still miss you. I didn't realize it until today.
I can't believe I still have feelings for my first "love". It was a long time ago, but it feels like yesterday.
When I come home, to the place we were together, I feel it all over again; I am taken back to a time we were together... and I start to miss us all over again.
And as I realize I miss you, I also realize we can never be together again. You have a girlfriend. I have a different life. And we have a big history that we can't ignore. I can't go backwards and let you back into my life. I can't trust you. You can't trust me. . . But, it doesn't stop me from missing you. I've never told anyone this before, but whenever I am with someone new, I compare them to you.
That sounds terrible. But I can't change it. Usually they don't hold me the same way. They aren't the same height. They don't kiss my lips like the way you did.
No one can do it like you did.
You texted me last week. You said you miss me. You said you wish things were different. You have a girlfriend and you think you might love her.... But, somehow, someway, you never forget me. You never forget us.
I can't tell you why.
You told me that in every relationship you have, you try to forget me, us. But you can't. And you don't know why. You said there is something about me that keeps you coming back.
Some people say, "If you love someone, let them go. If you were meant to be together, they will come back to you."
We keep finding each other and coming back. Does that mean we are meant to be together? I don't have those answers. And I don't know what I would do with myself if i did. . .
There's someone new. Lets call him, Sam.
He's kind, sweet, smart, and many things. I'm just starting to know him and I already think I fell.
It's anything but easy and disappointment seems to catch up with me more than ever.
He's not the normal guy I'm used to .. he's different.
He is from a foreign country... which, isn't SO bad, considering how much I like diversity and travel.. but, when you try to date a "foreigner" there are a lot of issues.
I think there are more issues than him being from a different country.
Lets get this out first:
1) I dated his brother (best friend) for about 1 month (not so serious)
-Lets call him... Ry.
2) I dated his brother (best friend) - not so serious. But, its a big deal.
It's a bit of a complicated situation.
This guy, Sam, was always there for me when I was with Ry. I always asked him questions about their culture, situations and just anything really.. we click.
Ry and I didn't really have anything in common; sometimes these things just happen.
He didn't have the same goals as I did. He didn't take school seriously. He just wasn't the person for me. While I took my time figuring that out, Sam was always there.
Its been about 9 months since Ry and I first started dating..
Its been about 4 months that we have been completely over. I traveled through the summer and we tried to stay together but it didn't work.
Once I left the country, our relationship basically ended.
I remember thinking that if I could change anything, Sam would be the person I would choose. I would erase my time with Ry and just get to know Sam.. I can't erase the past, I can only learn from it..
I felt this way around October of this year, but I decided not to say anything and to just ignore the feelings because I didn't think Sam felt the same way. And, I didn't want to look like an idiot and ruin our new friendship.
He was always the person I went to when I needed some advice..
When I was feeling sad, he could recognize it, before anyone else.
When I said, "I'm O.K." he saw through it and knew I wasn't O.K.
I didn't want to lose that.
So, I stayed quiet.
We went out for dinner with his friends one night..
During the dinner, everything was really good. It was nice to know I could click with his friends and it was cool. One of his friends made a joke about us being together in the future and I smiled and Sam looked a little embarrassed. I didn't really think about it.
There was a way he looked at me and the way he introduced me as a Special Friend that made me think a little bit harder. .
When I got home later that night, I sent him a text saying "Do you have feelings for me more than just a friend?"
He replied: "What do you think?"
I said what I thought and he didn't say anything..
I wanted him to answer me but he took his time..This was on a Friday.
On Saturday, he came over for a short time to help me with my assignment. And, while he was helping me, I asked him the same question as what was on the text. He looked a little uncomfortable to be confronted and said, "Let me finish this and then I'll answer you."
He finished helping me with the mathematical part of my assignment and then we had our talk..
He said this:
"First of all. If I ever get into a relationship, I have to be sure it is going to last. I don't like getting into short-term relationships.
Second.. Your the ex of Ty. I feel like the two of you are still connected and it wouldn't be right of me to inter fear in that. I can see that he still cares. And you do too. So, I can't to that to my friend."
"So, that's it."
I felt like it was a bit of a rejection. I never said how I felt. So, I tried to turn the conversation as though I wasn't really interested, but I for sure was.
I just nodded and tried to not look bothered and mostly said, "I see.... "
I forget which one of us asked, but someone said, "But.... Hypothetically... If things were different, would you be in a relationship with me?"
He said, "Absolutely."
I said, "Yes. For sure. You are Sam."
And we looked around a bit, a bit disappointed and at a loss for words..
Before he left, he said, "Actually, I will never let you go."
I had to finish my assignment and study and he wanted to let me do that, so, he left. And that was the start.
It was really sad for me, to think that we feel the same way but we can't be together.
We both had Black Berry Messenger and we used to talk on it every couple of days. We eventually forgot about the talk and just kept on with it.
I drifted farther from Ry and into my own world. I started to date a guy from this country and I really liked him for a while. I put on my BBM status: "You make me smile :) "
One day, Sam said, "Who makes you smile?"
I said, "A guy I'm seeing.."
He said, "Well, I don't know if I should be happy or not.. Maybe I should meet him? I don't know if I would smile or punch him..."
I saw him another time in the hallway at school... I was walking out from the library and going to my car.. He was walking from the bus towards the library for his Japanese class.. He saw me first and waved. He was wearing all black and I had a pink scarf I picked up in Paris.. He stopped briefly to smile and say hello, and of course I did the same.
About a minuet passed and we went our separate ways. Later on that day he said he was having a bad day until he saw me..then everything got better and he couldn't stop smiling. .. which, made me smile.
I was still dating this other guy, but it was nothing serious..
Because I knew dating Sam was out of the question, I just ignored it and focused my energy on other people.. Ex boyfriend, the new guy, school, parties, friends, etc. .
On my 20th birthday, he came to the dinner. I invited him, he didn't respond so I didn't expect him. But, I did invite his brother and his brother promised he would be there.. And, they both came. And I was surprisingly happy to see him. I had dinner with about 20 friends and we went to Boston Pizza. I sat across the table from Sam and his brother. During dinner, Sam offered for me to share his food with him. I didn't think anything of it.
During dinner, my friend beside me texted me and said "Are you and Sam a couple? or a potential couple?"
I was really surprised she asked. I replied and said, " No. Why did you ask that?"
She said, "Its the way he is sharing his food with you. And the way he looks at you."
The only thing I could say was "I wish."
I didn't realize anyone else could see "something" between us..
Later that evening, Sam and his brother came back to my house. I was romming with two other guys who are good friends with Sam, his brother and Ry.
When Sam was there, I showed him the text message. I just wanted to show him what my friend said.. He responded with "That's sad."
I knew why it was sad. But, I asked anyways.
Sam said, "Its sad because we could be together."
While he was at our place, I was working on a Spanish assignment. I said I was nervous about it because it was my first Spanish presentation where I actually had to speak to my class, in Spanish. He was excited and asked if he could come and watch the presentation. I said he could.
The next day, I asked him if he would come to my friend's birthday with my on the following weekend. He said he would.
Just a few days after my birthday, I asked him to visit me on Skype. At first I was downstairs with my roommates and we all talked together but then I went upstairs and we talked alone. We started talking around 11 and ended around... 5 am.
During the conversation, we somehow managed to talk about absolutely everything. All the feelings came out and everything rose to the surface. We talked about how we feel and I said how I truly felt: That there was no one else like him.
He said... "Trust me... if the skies were clear, we would be flying together"
This means... If there were no problems, we would be together.
He told me that he was in a really difficult situation between the person he likes and his best friend. And I know it's not fair. I didn't mean to fall in love with him, but I did. What could I do about it?
He told me he had a plan and that we shouldn't jump to conclusions.. that if we take our time, and let life take its course, that we will get what we want. That we will be together.
I don't know the plan and I don't know if I believe him.
I want to.
I worked the next day and he asked the times. I said from 9-4. He asked if I would mind if he stopped by. I said I would love it. I said, "Why do you need to go to the mall? Do you need something?" He said, "I don't need anything. Would you believe me if I said I just wanted to see you?" I smiled, and said, "I don't think I would believe you." He said, "Then I won't say anything."
He came to see me at work around 3:40 until I got off.
I wish I had more time to spend with him but I had a busy day ahead of me.
We talked a bit and I took him up to my place to visit my roommates and that was it.
I saw him again on Friday for my Spanish presentation..
He came on time. I introduced him to my teacher and said, " Mi amigo Sam." He said, " Mi Amiga!" and quiet enough for me to hear, he said "buena amiga!" (good friend). And that made me smile just a little bit more.
On Saturday I picked him up for my friend's birthday. I wanted to look nice and wore a black and red dress. When we got there, we were the second people there. I took off my jacket and he could see. My friend asked me to stand up and said, "You look hot!"
A little while passed and he said he liked my dress. It was cute because while he said it, he was fidgeting with his fork and I made a point to say that. He tried again, leaned over and said, "You look great!"
The night was good. Everyone got along well and around the end of the dinner, everyone wanted to go to the strip club. I tried to convince him to come. My friends tried and he said, "I don't have to go to the strippers. I have her, that's all I need."
He had a way of saying the right things at the right times.. and I totally melted every time.
After the dinner we didn't go to the strippers. Instead, we drove around to look at Christmas lights, houses, the river, the outside of the strippers and talked along the way.
We talked about our lives, what we want, the kind of people we want to be and everything else.
We left the restaurant around 11 pm and we went back to a 24 hour diner to have a snack around 5 am.
We said our goodbyes at 6 with a handshake.
We were cruising .. and then it stopped by Monday.
I had my first meeting with my little sister with Big Brothers Big Sisters and after the meeting, he was the first person I wanted to talk to. I called him. No answer. I texted him. No answer.
I thought he might be sleeping.
I didn't hear from him on Tuesday.
I didn't hear from him on Wednesday. I texted him again.
This time, I was mad.
I didn't hear anything.
So, I left it alone.
I thought he was only ignoring me and that I did something wrong.
I asked my roommate about him and they said they haven't heard from him either.
I asked his brother and his brother said he was busy..
I'm sure that most people carry their cell phones with them 99.9% of the time. I didn't think it was hard to reply and say, "Sorry. I'm busy. Ill get back to you when I have some free time"
I didn't even get that.
I checked him out on FB and one of his friends wrote on his wall saying they haven't seen him for a while, he missed his oral exam, and his friend is really worried..
It was then I realized that something could have happened and there could be something really wrong. I set my pride aside and just wanted to be a friend.
I went to his apartment, unannounced. Someone let me into the apartment building and I knocked on his door. I just wanted to make sure he was alright.
He was fine.
He took some time to get ready and came outside. He asked if we could go out and get coffee.
But, it hasn't been the same since then..
And, I don't know what happened.
We talk on FB...
I look forward to the messages he writes but sometimes he makes me wait a little too long for my patience to handle.
I don't believe that if you care about someone, that you will make them wait, not answer their messages or just leave them without a heads up.
Its just not fair.
If I care about someone, I make them a priority, not an option.
There is something about what he says and what he does that doesn't add up..
Anyone can say a few nice things at the good times.. but what about the man who does the right things at the right times.. I need that.
It just hasn't been the same since...