When I grow up, I want my new self to remember the self I am today. I want to remember the goals I had; the dreams that kept me alive. I never want to forget about the passion I have for things like multiculturalism and learning about cultures; or the things that bring a smile to my face like driving with the music loud and the sun shining, BBQ's in the summertime, singing like crazy, when the kids were small, my expression when trying different foods, random talks in the university hallway.... Or the things that make me sad. I want to remember everything.
I want to take time to cherish everyone around me, behind me and who may be ahead of me. Each person who has touched my life has given me something. Some have made me weak and sensitive, some have pushed and challenged me to make me stronger, some have touched a piece of my heart and I don't think I will ever be the same. Some have taught me how to laugh, cry, smile, be carefree, be smart and be careful. Sometimes I think about my life so far and I feel bored, unaccomplished and wanting more... until I tell someone my stories.
I love the expression on Shawna's face when I tell her one of my stories. She listens so strongly and it's as if she can feel how I feel. And she always responds to me saying, "I can't believe you did that!" And I say, "Well, that's why I don't like to tell people about it." She looks at me and smiles and says, "No. I can't believe you did that! You went after what you believed in, what you wanted and even though you didn't succeed, at least you tried!"
I want to remember my first kiss. It was with Chris, on a beach; time was short but it felt like forever.
I want to remember the feeling I felt the first time I saw him. It's as if I knew. I knew he was the one I wanted. And he was the one I got. From that first look. Nothing else mattered. It was 6 years ago now, and I swear, it felt like yesterday.
It was late outside, maybe 8 o'clock. I was sitting on a bench and my mom was getting her face sketched by an artist on the street. He was walking past me and wore a white T-shirt; our eyes locked for what felt like forever. And there was no going back from that. I think I was wearing a blue American Eagle sweater and my tomboy shorts with skater shoes. I don't know how it all unfolded from there but hundreds of memories fell together after that one moment. My first date at that restaurant in the GAP, with sweet potatoes and soft music. We made Dover beach into our beach. My first dance, "Everything I do, I do it for you - Brian Adams," In the bottom of our villa, near the pool.
My memory should never fail me; I will never forget my first.
Each experience has it's own level of sweetness and bitterness; each are different and unique in their own ways which will remain unforgettable in time. Every relationship is of relevance and will remain within me. Nearly every person I have felt love for is gone. They are alive but there is no more time for us. But I can handle that; we have had our time and that is enough for me.
I will never forget the first person to impact my life and as of today, I will not forget the last.