Judgement

All this time, I have been thinking that everyone is judging ME. But, what if it is merely the opposite? What If I am expecting someone to judge me and in return I am only judging myself. 

So, by expecting to be judged, I am putting up walls. I am putting up walls before I even give someone a chance. As if I am expecting the worst possible situation, based on past experiences. I'm not even letting people get to know me without having my walls down. I keep finding a way to argue or disagree or push some kind of limit. As if I have to show my worst side, the argumentative and stubborn side before I can show anything else. Those who can accept this side are only more prepared to accept the wonderful, happy, charming and sweet side. So, basically, I've been judging myself, before letting anyone else judge me. 

In all reality, that isn't fair to anyone else. I already have walls that are so strongly engraved in my attitude that I just end up pushing people away by the simplest thing. Maybe at the end of it I am expecting people to leave anyways, so pushing them in that direction is the best way to see if they are true or not. 

Maybe.

Maybe that is what I do. 

I don't know what I do. 

I've just realized that I am judging others before knowing them. However, I am not judging them by their intelligence, nationality, skin color, work experience, educational experience, religion or what ever else. I am judging them based on the fact that I think they will judge me! 

Is that so that I am so used to feeling judged? 

Or do I hold myself to such high standards that I am feeling unworthy for myself? 

That's an interesting one. 

Surely only I can answer that. But I never realized it until now. I really like the personality of "Person A". However, I did not want to add them to my Facebook because that someone knows my Ex Boyfriend. I thought by becoming friends with this someone, I would be known as "___ ex girlfriend" and not as who I am. So, therefore, I've been judging myself. As if I think I don't deserve to be known as anything more than "___ ex girlfriend." 

That's interesting. 

So, does that mean all while I have been accusing these Saudi people for judging me... I have actually been the one judging myself and everyone else. In the end, the fear was that they will judge me. 

Notes like these help me to feel better. 

But in the mess of it all, there is always something we could have done differently. 

I think I hold myself to such high standards that I don't allow myself to think, to breathe, to relax and take a step back to observe. 

I'm still learning, I am still young. The creation of stupid mistakes are encoded in my DNA; they will happen no matter what! 

So, as I am still sitting here analyzing over what I could have done better, I continue to judge myself and the mistakes I've made. Without accepting the mistakes of the past, how can we move on to a better future? 

It's always easier to judge someone than it is to point the finger on ourselves. I can look at this picture and I think, "Yeah. This is my ex. And the other ex. And the one before that." 

I keep judging without taking time to understand WHY I am judging.

OK. So, he changed. WHY did he change? 

How did he feel?

He drives me absolutely MAD! But, he was once exactly what I wanted. So, shouldn't I cut him a break and give him the benefit of the doubt? 

I've been so fixed on what he did wrong that I have started to hate him in my mind. I hate how he made me feel, the things he said, and the things he didn't say. I hate that. 

I've been hating that since it happened and even more since we broke up. 

I can judge him forever and point a finger about all the ways he hurt me and how he changed. But, what about me? Haven't I changed? 

I remember when I was in high school, I was really GOOD! I promised myself that I would never smoke a joint or a cigarette because its disgusting! 

What do you know, four years later and I can't tell you the number of times I've smoked weed. I like it. I'm not an addict. But I like smoking. So, that means I have changed. 

Does that mean I am a hypocrite? I call my ex a hypocrite all of the time because he changed. But, so did I. 

So? 

I continue to remind myself that it is all a learning experience and to just breathe. 

Sometime down the road, it will all make sense. So, for now, just smile through the tears and hold on tight. One day, it will all make perfect sense. 

Did I mention I think I have ADHD?

I have so many thoughts that roam around my mind that it's difficult to contain them! 

I run from culture to my ex to my new found love so damn fast I don't think anyone can understand what I am thinking, except for me! 

"Tell someone how much they mean to you"

"Live Life. Regret Nothing." 

What happens when you tell someone "how much they mean to you" and then you lose them? Maybe they are afarid, maybe they don't feel the same way, maybe it's not the right time for them. What if you try your best to "Live life" and "Regret nothing" but end up losing something/ someone in the process?

Basically.... I had feelings for a good friend. I knew the feelings. I had them since the day I met this guy. He was charming, intelligent, funny, handsome, talkative, and different. 

I always knew how I felt, even if I was dating his best friend. Oops. . . 

Anyways, I always had the feelings for him. I knew it was there, the spark. There wasn't a topic that we couldn't talk about. As if our thoughts were in sync, we had the same thoughts, ideas, dreams, goals... We usually had the same opinions too. If there was an argument, we usually took the same side without even trying. It just happened. I found myself agreeing with most things he said. There was just something very special about him that attracted me more than anything I've experienced before. It wasn't a physical attraction, I've hardly touched him. There has never been any sort of physical contact past a handshake or hug. 

And I still fell hopelessly. 

I could have kept that information to myself. 

But, I think I like drama TV too much for that. So, I just HAD to speak my mind. . . 

Yes. Because SO MUCH good can come from telling your ex boyfriend's best friend that you love him. 

Good Idea. 

Or not. 

Shortening the story down, I managed to say what I feel. We became closer friends and that was cool. I didn't expect any more, even if I wanted it. 

We talked over Blackberry Messenger almost everyday, sometimes Facebook, he helped me with my homework, social problems, friends, guys . . .He started to be the person I would go to, as a good friend. One night we went out for dinner, he introduced me to some of his friends and I felt like he was treating me special, more special than usual. Maybe it was in my head. Maybe it wasn't. Anyways, I took the initiative. I felt something. So, after dinner I texted him via BBM and prepared him for my question: "Can I ask you a personal question?"

Of course he said, "Yes." 

So, I asked him if he had any feelings for me as more than a friend. 

He said, "What do you think?"

I said, "I don't know. I am asking you. It's your question."

He didn't answer me. 

I think that was a Friday. . . 

On Saturday I was working on a math assignment and I HATE math. . . It was the easiest thing to do but I just couldn't get it. I asked my roommate for help but he couldn't help me. He gave me the phone number to "him" and said, "Just call him and he will help you. He helps me with my homework all of the time." 

"So, that is what I did. I think I called him on Sunday or Monday night."

He came over to help me on Tuesday I think. 

I needed a bit of help on my assignment BUT I could have figured it out myself. I really just wanted an excuse to see him. 

I saw him. 

We were alone in the house and he helped me with my assignment. All I could think of was my question, "Do you like me more than a friend?"

So.... After a few minuets of it, it just spilled out and I asked the question again. He said he would finish my assignment and then we could talk about it. 

He said, " #1: If I get into a relationship, it has to be for long term. I don't want to date someone for a short time. I want to commit to long term. . . .#2: You are the ex girlfriend of my best friend. I just can't do that to my best friend."

I didn't say anything. 

What could I say? 

I just nodded and pretended like I didn't care and it didn't matter to me; I wasn't interested anyways, (Even though I knew I really really was!!) 

He hesitated for a few seconds and then went to ask a question, he said, "This is really embarrassing but IF things were different, would you go out with me?"

My heart skipped 5 beats because what I wanted to hear was, "Will you go out with me." I wanted to hear that so bad. And, I did technically hear that, just not in the context I was hoping for. 

I said, "Yes. Of course I would. Your ___. Your special to me. Your the person I go to when I want to talk, that's important." 

He nodded and said he appreciated that. 

And that was it. 

And I was sad for the rest of the night. 

But no one knew that. 

I had a song in dedication to my feelings. 

"Bad for Me" - Megan and Liz 

Meaning: I knew it was a bad idea to have feelings for my ex boyfriend's best friend. Who does that? C'mon! Even though I knew I was playing with fire, I liked it. I couldn't stop. There was something there that gave me a high like no other. 

After that night of meeting his friends and spending time with him, I realized that nothing could be undone. This wasn't the normal me for just hanging out with guys and then going onto the next one. This was it. This felt right. This is what I wanted. 

I had a wish for my Birthday: Him

 I had a wish for Christmas: Him 

 I didn't get my wishes. 

We stayed friends though. 

I can say that I don't wish for people. Ever. I'm not that way. If someone wants to be with me, its up to them. Sometimes I get bored and I like the chase. Other times I'm the most difficult person around and I put up every boundary for someone. If they work for it, I'm theirs. If not, see you around. It's not a big deal. I don't really care. I don't take anyone too seriously and I don't usually care at all. I don't cry. I don't go backwards. I just keep going and never care too much. But, there was something different this time. 

I began to care. 

Maybe it was only one sided. 

Maybe it was a game.

Maybe it was in my mind only. 

Maybe I am crazy. 

But this time was different for me. 

I cared. I liked the person. I liked his personality. I could vision myself with this person. I don't do that. 

So, this time was different for me. 

In my entire life, though every single relationship, I had this attitude that was too proud to act a certain way or to tell someone how I felt. I had this ego that wouldn't let me give in to what I wanted. I used to argue with my boyfriends so much. I was always the one who appeared to care to little. They were always chasing after me. I didn't chase anyone and I didn't apologize. I could never make a relationship work. There was always a fight and I never would back down. I don't know what that was about. I think I got it from my mother. To be seriously stubborn . Unbelievably stubborn. For no real reason. 

But something changed. 

I don't really know what changed. 

I started to act only on my feelings without being a pain in the ass about it. I wasn't annoying and stubborn. I acted purely how I felt. Not the best thing, let me tell you. But, I expressed my feelings 10000%. There is nothing left. 

I said EVERYTHING I have.  

And I feel good with it. 

I've never been that person to express themselves. I usually hold things inside and come out with it at the most inappropriate times. 

For example: When I was in high school, I had the biggest crush on the cutest boy in school! We were good friends and I was really chill and never let on to how I feel. Three years after high school we met up at a party, got drunk and I ended up telling him how cute I thought he was. He said, "Really?" 

I said, "Well, come on! I always thought you were handsome! And really awesome! - Hahah! I even had the biggest crush on you in high school!!"

And he just kind of looked at me and said, "Why didn't you ever tell me? Things could have been different."

Oh shit. 

He could have been my boyfriend. 

But I never took a chance to say how I felt. I was just the cool chick and good friend because I never said what I always wanted to. 

I know what I deserve. 

I know what I want. 

But what happens when what you feel is different than what you know you deserve? 

Do you listen to your heart which is yelling, "I like this feeling!! Don't make it go away!!" 

Or, do you listen to your brain which is saying, "This is a good feeling. But it's not good for you. It's not helping you. Don't settle for someone who wouldn't give you the world." 

So, I said what I felt. Exactly what I felt. For the first time. 

I wasn't afraid to be rejected (even though, technically I was). 

I said how I felt. 

Now we aren't friends. 

We will probably go on with your lives and end up forgetting each other somewhere though it all. 

So, was it worth it? To say how you feel? To express yourself to the fullest? To lay your heart on the line and see what happens?

I didn't gain anything. 

I fell in love with someone who has other plans. 

But I think I can smile for myself. I can be happy that I finally took the risk to allow myself to fall for someone again.  

My heart has been closed for SO long! 

Even though I end up without a friend and without anything more, I was able to open up to someone who I think is really special. 

I don't have a friend. 

I don't have a boyfriend.

I don't have an acquaintance.

I just have my memory. 

I don't know if it was just me, but my memory will last a lifetime. 

I know that I will never be able to forget this person. 

 I never got a kiss. I never got anything more than a hug. And I feel like I've gotten everything. 

Sometimes things happen that are unexpected. People move on, get sick, disappear, and life changes within a moment. And once that moment is over, you can't take anything back. You are stuck with the last words you said and there is nothing you can change. 

So, my question is, "Even if you receive nothing but risk everything, is it worth it?" 

I think it's worth it for someone to know they are special, important and will never be forgotten. I think my experiences have made me brave. 

I've started to live my life as if I will die tomorrow. That is NOT a good way to live.. Because if you go around saying, "I love you," you will probably just end up looking desperate and like a loser. Just saying. 

However, I am not desperate. 

I don't want to date anyone. 

As of last month, I am officially (Facebook Officially) in a relationship with myself. 

I don't need or want anyone else. 

But that doesn't mean I don't have feelings for anyone. 

Relationships aren't hard. Love isn't hard. Nothing is hard. It is people along the way that make things difficult. 

If I could have my way, I would change the past year. I would go back to the moment I first met him and I would ask for his number. And that is what I would do. And that is all I would do. 

But I can't change the past. 

I can't change anything I did or said.

I can't change the situation. 

I can't fix anything. 

And I don't even know if "he" cares. 

I DO know that if someone had a crush on me, I would probably have NO idea unless they told me. And there would be about a 90% chance that I wouldn't reject them. So, I will say how I feel and live my life as if I will die tomorrow. I can live with the consequences later. 

Maybe I'll never get what it is that I want, but I will never die knowing I love someone who has no idea.